Last week, I challenged you to rebuild your self-trust. This week, I want to address the fear of conflict and complete an exercise that can help you have more constructive conversations.

We’re working from the bottom of Patrick Lencioni’s pyramid of success to the top, fixing the dysfunctions we encounter along the way.

Where does fear come from?

Evolutionarily speaking, fear exists to help us. After all, our fears prevent us from entering dangerous situations or places where we may be injured. It wisely protected us from predators and the elements when we had no other means of protection.

However, fear also prevents us from doing things that we need or want to do. And bad actors—like narcissists, emotionally manipulative people, and authoritarian governments—wield fear as a weapon to keep us from acting in our own best interests.

How do we know when fear is unhelpful?

In today’s world, we rarely find ourselves running from a sabre-toothed tiger. But that doesn’t mean we’re free of predators.

Worldwide, the shadow of totalitarianism threatens rights that democratic citizens take for granted as being inviolable, such as freedom of speech, freedom to assemble, and the right to due process. But like any bullies, their power depends on whether you fear them.

When you stand up to a bully, you create a chink in their armor. Even if you’re not successful in overthrowing injustice in that moment, those who watch you may find inspiration in your bravery. ​

Every day, ordinary people take extraordinary actions that put them in conflict with others, changing the world for the better, despite the fear they feel. That’s why one of my favorite quotes is:

Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn my inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain. — Frank Herbert, DUNE

For you see, the secret in getting unstuck is acknowledging everything you feel, inventorying the risks, and doing what must be done.

Believe it or not, conflict can be good for you

Conflict gets a bad rap for good reason—when conflicts become intractable, we end up with forever wars, genocide, and other murderous events.

However, conflict isn’t always that extreme. Our lives are filled with mundane conflicts: kids who don’t want to help with housework, bosses who give directions we don’t agree with, and friends we butt heads with.

Conflict can be healthy. Constructive conflicts can lead to discussions that open our minds to new possibilities. Debating possibilities can lead to mutually beneficial solutions we couldn’t discover on our own. Questioning how things have always been done can be liberating. And being honest with the people we love can create breakthroughs, deepen intimacy, and trust.

What happens when we avoid conflict?

Last week, we discussed how we shut down when we don’t feel safe. We start to doubt ourselves and stop speaking up. In a dysfunctional cycle, that’s when Absence of Trust becomes Fear of Conflict. Fear of conflict drives us to avoid confronting people, facing hard truths, or sharing our beliefs with others.

Without conflict, we end up with conformity. Without challenges to overcome, nothing changes; innovation stagnates. If we stop voicing our true thoughts and feelings, we lose touch with our inner voice and purpose. With nothing to guide us, we get stuck. When this happens, we might find it easier to follow stronger personalities or to let others make plans for us. We stop being active participants in our own lives.

It’s not that we want to be stuck, it’s just that when we are in the habit of avoiding conflict, being uncomfortable and scared feels safer than doing something that rocks the boat.

In this cowed state, divorced from our instincts, anything unfamiliar begins to feel like a threat. We stop asking ourselves what we really want to do and start convincing ourselves that we don’t have a choice.

Remember: you always have a choice

It may feel safer to pretend that everything’s okay than to confront the issue, but avoidance isn’t a healthy habit. In a work environment, it cripples teams. Within a societal construct, compliance supports systems of oppression and injustice.

On a personal level, concern about what others might think often restrains us from being honest. But there’s a way to voice dissent, question authority, and point out errors without being a jerk.

And look at it this way: What do we win if everyone’s unhappy but pretending there’s nothing wrong?

A much healthier choice is to face your fear of conflict and learn how to engage in it constructively. Your insistence on living authentically will liberate others. Believe me.

Challenge: Learn to engage in conflict constructively

Think about something that upsets you. Now let’s figure out how to discuss it constructively.

1. Identify the real issue with 5 whys. The fastest way to get to what you’re really upset at is to ask yourself why five times. For example: Why are you upset with ____? Now ask yourself why you feel that way. After you discover that reason, ask yourself why again. By the time you’ve asked the fifth why, you’ll uncover the real problem.
2. Be honest and straightforward. Say what you mean in clear, plain speech. Resist the urge to overexplain. Try not to place blame or make the argument personal. Speak your truth.
3. Approach disagreements with curiosity. Reign in the impulse to name-call or dismiss other people’s opinions when they differ from your own. When someone says something you don’t agree with, ask them clarifying questions like, “Why do you say that?” or “What do you mean by that?” Then listen and rephrase what they just said to ensure you understood.
4. Look for common ground. Point out commonalities and seek things you both agree on. Focusing on that can de-escalate tension and foster a more constructive conversation.
5. Enlist your opponents in co-creating solutions. What would they do differently? How would they solve this problem?
6. Accept that there may be more than one truth. We think of truth as objective, but it’s really a construct shaped by our personal beliefs, experiences, and preferred social norms. As a result, we may reach an impasse with someone who values other norms or who sees things differently. That’s okay. At that point, acknowledge what you can agree on and try to end the conversation on a positive note.

That’s your challenge. With practice, you’ll find it easier to navigate the little conflicts in your home and the larger interpersonal challenges you face at work and in the wider world. Next week, we’ll take another step up the pyramid and work on overcoming the lack of commitment.

Let me know how it goes! Share your thoughts and experiences by commenting below or tagging @trulykristi on social channels. 🙂