Any good leader—whether a CEO or a Little League coach—will tell you that there can be no sustainable progress without a team that works together. Patrick Lencioni​ identified five core reasons why teams fall apart. The illustration below shows how the absence of trust and the resulting dysfunctions erode the entire pyramid of success. Overcoming them is an effective way to get unstuck.

Your natural, prismatic self

Humans are many-faceted beings. We can present a different side to everyone we meet. Sometimes this takes the form of “​code switching​.” Other times, it’s the result of having to be one way at work, another way around people we care about, and yet another way with people we don’t know well.

As children, before we begin to self-censor or feel the need to code-switch, we give free rein to the many worlds we carry within us. One minute, a child at play is a lion, the next a warrior. They can go from ballerina to demon to clown in a fraction of a second.

So can you! You’ve just forgotten you can.

How our light gets dimmed

Often, well-intentioned adults in our sphere discourage us from being ourselves because it’s too loud, inconvenient, or not ‘normal.’ Not-so-great role models might punish us for being the dreamers, adventurers, magicians, and innovative thinkers we were born to be. Or, we may begin to lose confidence in our innate gifts, based on feedback from friends, family, neighbors, teachers, or others we encounter. As a result, we learn to hide any parts of ourselves that are not encouraged to develop.

Embracing limiting behavior gets us stuck

Eventually, we internalize the shame and self-doubt that come with having to hide who we are. We build up defenses and walls to protect ourselves from being attacked for being different. We try on personas we think will help us get ahead or get by without being singled out. When we speak poorly of ourselves, we reinforce these limiting beliefs.

We lose faith in ourselves and get stuck, living the same five dysfunctions that destroy teams. Only, this time, we’re the dysfunctional boss, and we’re self-sabotaging our own success.

How the five dysfunctions erode our sense of self

#1: Absence of trust

We don’t trust ourselves to do what we want, or believe we can be trusted to do anything right. It doesn’t feel safe to go against what people expect from us, so we don’t speak up, and we’re scared to ask for help. If we experience shame, we may try to hide any aspect of ourselves that deviates from the norm.

#2: Fear of conflict

Fear of conflict drives us to avoid confronting people or facing hard truths about ourselves. We might find it easier to follow stronger personalities or to let others make plans for us. Being uncomfortable and scared feels safer than being alone or unliked. Anything unfamiliar begins to feel like a threat. Eventually, we forget to ask ourselves whether this is what we truly want to do and begin to convince ourselves that there is no choice.

#3: Lack of commitment

We lack the commitment to be active participants in our own lives because we perceive change as scary. When challenged, we may become defensive and isolate ourselves, or retreat further into a false, constructed self. Because we didn’t engage in constructive conflict, we keep dealing with the same issues over and over, without resolution, until we become experts at avoidance and deflection. It becomes harder to recognize our own truth as we adopt others’ frameworks. At this point, we may begin to feel resentful of other people’s success.

#4. Avoidance of accountability

That’s when we begin to avoid responsibility—blaming others for our poor performance or failure to reach our potential, failing to see how we’ve self-sabotaged by not setting our own path or being true to ourselves. Limitations and obstacles to happiness grow as we lose touch with our inner voice, past dreams, and the beautiful, prismatic soul that is our birthright.

#5: Inattention to results

Without a roadmap or plan, we become inattentive to results and outcomes. Conditions deteriorate. We spin our wheels and retreat deeper into our cave of self-delusion. This is when we may succumb to despair or try to tough it out, developing a hardened, nihilistic view of life as something to endure rather than enjoy. We grow old, bitter, and stuck in our ways. We pass our dysfunctions on to the next generation not because we want to squash their dreams, but because we hope to protect them from a cold, dangerous, meaningless world that we blame for destroying our dreams.

Our perceptions (and dysfunctions) color what we perceive

The worst part of reaching the tip of the pyramid of dysfunction is that, by this point, our lack of self-trust has been projected onto the world, leaving us trusting nothing and no one. Our inability to take responsibility means that, to feel better about our current state, we must blame others for our lack of success.

Let’s not go down that road. If we build a strong foundation, we can create a pyramid of success. Since all the dysfunctions stem from a lack of trust, let’s start building your self-trust.

Challenge: Overcome lack of trust dysfunctions

I’d recommend doing this consistently for at least a week. But you’ll gain the most value if you make this challenge part of your daily practice, or at least until it becomes second nature.

1. Examine any negative thoughts. Is the critical voice in your head even your own? Often, we internalize others’ criticism of us, especially if we absorbed it at a young age. For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “I shouldn’t have said that, I sounded too bossy,” sit with that thought for a second. Where have you heard that before? Is that really what you think, or is it an echo from criticism you received long ago?
2. Reframe negative beliefs. No one goes out of their way to hurt anyone, unless they’re a sociopath. What we internalize as negative feedback is often given with the intent to protect or improve us. The things we hold on to were probably helpful at some point. We just forgot to discard them as we grew. Reframing the criticism can help us shed what’s no longer needed. For example, we might not have wanted to be bossy in kindergarten because it made it harder to make friends. But if you don’t assert yourself like a boss, then it might be hard to advance in your career. By reframing limiting beliefs, you can shed them and free up space to stretch your wings and grow.
3. Do it anyway. Some ideas and habits are so deeply ingrained that we can’t dislodge them by thinking about them; we need to take action. Waiting until we’re ready or no longer fear conflict is a safe way to never accomplish anything. Sometimes, you have to act before you’re ready and fake confidence until you feel it. For example, if you’re afraid to speak out in a meeting because you don’t want to look bossy, do it anyway. Chances are, people won’t have the reaction you fear they will.
4. Celebrate your successes. Positive action is the most effective way to overcome our negative programming. And recounting your wins will not only build confidence but also help you trust your gut instincts. For example, the first time you spoke up might have been somewhat rough, but you did it. Yay, you! Celebrate that. Remind yourself next time you worry that you can do this.
5. Trust yourself. Taking consistent action and achieving the wins helps rebuild our confidence in ourselves. Rebuilding our trust in who we are and what we’re capable of creates a firm foundation to root out other dysfunctions that can hold us back.

That’s your challenge: to restore trust in yourself. Next week, we’ll tackle your fear of conflict.