For a brief, glorious year, I worked overseas as a performer/corporate trainer at a comedy theater in Amsterdam. In addition to a dozen American cast-mates, there were several Dutch office workers, bar and front-of-house staff to know. The foreignness of their names combined with my porous memory meant it took longer than normal to remember who was whom. Embarrassed, I sought to overcome that by spending more time chit-chatting with people than I was inclined to, which led to an interesting discovery.

The Dutch are a gracious people, but they don’t mince words. One morning, I ran into the PR director as I was headed into rehearsal. We said hello, I asked her how she was and waited for her response. She looked at me and laughed.

“You actually care?” she said.

“Yes,” I replied. “Shouldn’t I?”

“Oh,” she laughed. “I’m just so used to Americans asking that and then running off.”

Ugly Habit No. 1: We Don’t Listen.

I’d never noticed it before, but when I took the time to watch how the rest of the cast greeted people, I realized she was right. We’d ask someone how they were as a way of saying hello, rather than as an honest conversation starter. If we did stick around to listen, we didn’t really hear the response. We tended to skip ahead to what we wanted to talk about instead.

Now, whenever I call someone or interact with people outside my home, I make a point to greet them and listen to their responses. Sometimes, I’ll comment on what they’ve said before getting down to business. Nine times out of 10, the person is surprised I took the time to do so. A little bit of extra attention tends to disarm even the most jaded person. And the biggest bonus? Genuine smiles everywhere I go when an authentic connection is forged between strangers. 

Ugly Habit No. 2: We’re Afraid of Being Wrong.  

Shortly after I arrived in Amsterdam, a Dutch woman joked that you could identify Americans because they were the people who liked to yell. To my embarrassment, I found this to be true. It was 2002 and the sympathy the world felt for the U.S. post-9/11 was receding as it looked like we might start a war in Iraq. Inevitably, as soon as someone discovered you were American, they’d ask you what you thought of President Bush, and so on. 

My countrymen seemed to resent this line of questioning; they didn’t want to discuss politics on holiday. And they certainly didn’t want anyone to say anything bad about their great country. Consequently, there was a lot of yelling. Especially in bars.

To avoid being connected to that ugly behavior, I told people I was Irish when asked.

And I wondered: When did Americans lose their love of debate? 

Recently, I saw a 200-year-old poster promoting the “Debate of the Century: Does God exist?” Nowadays, a question like that is likely to get you unfriended on Facebook, or shot. 

When did Americans become so intolerant? When did we lose our intellectual curiosity and love of adventure?

When we are surrounded by people who agree with us, we grow comfortable but eventually stagnate. Our opinions calcify. 

However, confronting people who see the world differently is an opportunity to grow and discover new ideas. The dialogue that comes when we seek to understand another’s perspective and have to defend our own thinking is not only healthy conflict but also essential to human development. 

Unfortunately, the first response Americans tend to have when questioned about their beliefs is anger.

The worst part of this intolerance is that we can’t seem to agree or disagree politely. The knee-jerk response is becoming less civil and more violent. 

Rather than expending energy trying to convince people that we’re right, we should listen and engage in conversation. That is, we Should Listen, seriously hear what’s being said to us, think about it, and then share our thoughts respectfully. 

When I encounter people whose egos never allow them to be wrong in business, I’ve noticed that shortcoming also tends to prevent them from being promoted, admired, or developing into the leaders they have the potential to be.

Ugly Habit No. 3: We Don’t Take the Time to Know People.

The third ugly habit we have is a more embarrassing one. 

During my first week on the job in Amsterdam, I performed at a corporate function. Afterward, the event planner invited us to mingle with the attendees at a reception. An older man engaged me in conversation. He was kind of a close talker. I saw he had a wedding ring on and grew increasingly uncomfortable spending time with him. I excused myself as soon as I could and joined a cast-mate at the bar.

“You know,” he said. “People don’t talk to you here just because they want to have sex with you.”

“What?” I said, a little taken aback. 

“I know,” he said. “I watched you talking with that guy and I could tell that you were uncomfortable. People had to tell me that, too, when I first arrived. In America, we assume that if people really want to talk with us then they must want to sleep with us. But it’s not that way in Europe. Here, people just like to talk. They like to get to know a little about you, so they ask deeper questions. It’s not personal. They’re not into you that way.”

And he was right. But how sad is that? 

Somehow, Americans are taught that if people pay attention to our thoughts instead of our looks, they must want something. We are so unused to having deep discussions with people that we assume it must be a prelude to greater intimacy. We’ve learned to be a superficial culture, avoid having difficult discussions, and ignore the basic human need to connect with other people intellectually. Spending a year doing just that was liberating and fun.

When we disengage from these materialistic urges, it opens the door to more meaningful social connections.

So Here’s a Challenge For You. 

Actually, there are three. Can you break these bad habits? Here are three things to try this week.

• Challenge No. 1: Acknowledge everyone you meet with a greeting. Ask them how they are and really listen. Give yourself permission to respond honestly before you get down to business.
• Challenge No. 2: The next time someone says something you disagree with, ask them why they think that way. Engage them in dialogue. Resist the urge to convince them to see things your way. See if you can see it from that perspective. Share why you disagree. Concede where they might be right. Ask clarifying questions. If you have to, agree to disagree.
• Challenge No. 3: Push yourself to get to know people a little better. When introduced, resist the urge to ask, “What do you do?” Instead, ask, “What do you like to do?” or ask them about their thoughts on a topic that’s more meaningful than the weather.

Do this for a week and let me know how easy or hard it was. I’m interested to hear what you discover. 

This Love Thy Neighbor column originally ran in the White County News.