For most of my adult life, I’ve lived by a philosophy my friend calls, “Do no harm, and take no shit.” It gives me the freedom to trust my gut, meet my needs, and have fun without excusing me from recognizing that my actions do affect others. This alignment with my personal truth and core values often keeps my inner critic at bay. But I also am a mom. So I’m not immune to critique or self-doubt.

Nothing makes me second-guess myself like my child’s disapproval. When I incur that, my inner critic goes into hyperdrive, forcing me to relive the situation over and over.

If you have trouble banishing repetitive thoughts or silencing your inner critic, this challenge is for you.

What is the inner critic trying to tell you?

If you’ve ever tried to shush a toddler, you know how easily that can backfire. One of my mother’s favorite stories about 2-year-old me is how badly I embarrassed her at a restaurant. I wanted her to see an ugly man. Instead of acknowledging there was one, she told me to be quiet.

My baby brain interpreted that to mean she didn’t see him yet. In the comedy of errors that followed, the more she tried to silence me, the louder I got.

I hated that baby me said an ugly thing, and I certainly didn’t like hearing my mother’s story repeated. But I’m glad she told it over and over because I was able to absorb the lesson: Anything you avoid will rebound on you, twice as loud and ugly.

Taking the opposite tactic with my own child confirmed this. When they turned two and pointed out something potentially unfriendly about a stranger, I acknowledged what was said and gently explained why we don’t just shout things like that. My child nodded, satisfied I heard them, and focused on something else.

This works with the voices in our head, too. If your inner critic is loudly proclaiming something, maybe it’s time you stopped trying to shut them up and listened.

Listening to the critic doesn’t mean you have to agree

Shame, embarrassment, anger, lack of resolution, frustration—there are so many reasons why we might try to silence our inner critic. At the root of this lies fear:

What if my inner critic is right? What if I truly am a terrible person?

We push down the criticism. We try to avoid thinking about what happened. The result: We can’t stop replaying our mistakes. And each time, it grows larger and more imposing.

The truth is, listening to the inner critic doesn’t mean you agree with them. They just want you to hear what they have to say. So do that, think about it, and free up that mental space to process something else.

Challenge: Sitting with your inner critic

1. Identify an event that lives rent-free in your head. Tell your inner critic you are willing to relive this event, but it will be the last time. Because it’s the last time, you’ll both need to get everything you want to say out.
2. Get a pen and paper, and freewrite for 10-20 minutes about why thinking about this event is frustrating, upsetting, or otherwise discomforting for you. When you’re done, read it out loud to your critic.
3. Now ask your inner critic what you’re not seeing. Ask them why they keep wanting you to revisit this moment. What do they want you to learn?
4. Record all the thoughts you have in response to those questions without judgment. Remember, this is for your eyes only.
5. Read what you’ve written out loud. Let it sink in. Pay special attention to anything you resist or find uncomfortable.
6. Now, have a conversation with your critic either by freewriting silently or by verbalizing out loud. Acknowledge what you’ve learned and what, if anything, you want to do differently.
7. Thank the critic for being honest with you. Make any apologies needed and let this event go.

Let me know how it goes! Share your thoughts and experiences by commenting below or tagging @trulykristi on social channels. 🙂